The Flight Before Christmas

by Kent B. Van Cleave

DATELINE: 24 DEC 01, 2247 HRS EDT
DAN: This news bulletin just in. An unidentified aircraft apparently headed for Washington, D.C. has been spotted on radar. FAA authorities say it corresponds to no flight plans filed with Air Traffic Control, and its radar signature doesn't match any known variety of commercial or private plane. The White House reports only that the president and senior advisors have been summoned to the Situation Room, and that the Pentagon has been alerted. We will have more on this breaking story as it develops.

DATELINE: 24 DEC 01, 2258 HRS EDT
DAN: Here's an update on the unidentified aircraft we reported moments ago to be enroute to Washington. The president, senior cabinet officials, and at least some of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are reported to be securely in the Situation Room at the White House. At this point, according to a White House spokesman, all that can be reported so far is that F-16s from Andrews Air Force Base have scrambled to intercept. Stay tuned for developments as they occur.

DATELINE: 24 DEC 01, 2308 HRS EDT
DAN: F-16 fighters from Andrews Air Force Base have intercepted an unidentified aircraft spotted less than half an hour ago, apparently flying toward Washington. Attempts to raise the aircraft by radio have failed. The Pentagon reports the fighter pilots have been unable to identify the type of aircraft, but it appears to consist of nine separate units interconnected by cables. One part at the rear may be a cockpit. More details on this breaking story as they arrive.

DATELINE: 24 DEC 01, 2314 HRS EDT
DAN: American fighters are now pacing an unidentified aircraft less than 50 miles from Washington. The F-16 pilots now report that the eight separate units at the front of the craft are writhing, apparently uncontrollably, as though barely containing some violent power. The ninth unit at the rear of the assemblage, now firmly identified as an open cockpit, contains a man described as having a white beard and wearing turban-like headgear. A huge brown container, perhaps made of some kind of fabric, holds what appears to be the primary cargo or payload of the craft. What response the government will take is still uncertain; the White House says only that a decision is imminent. One moment....

DAN: I'm told one of our news helicopters is on the scene. We go now to Ace Hovermore. Ace, what can you see there?

ACE: Dan, we are located in the aircraft's path, just outside D.C. Our telephoto images have confirmed the reports about the general configuration of the craft, and we are now feeding live video.

DAN: We have it, Ace. That's the F-16s on the left and right, with the smaller object in the center being the unidentified craft?

ACE: That's right, Dan. Wait ... A FLASH ... TWO FLASHES from under the wings of one ... now two more flashes from the other jet. Dan, those have to be missiles!

DAN: We see them, Ace. Boy, those buggers move fa.... THERE IT IS! The craft has exploded twice ... four times, as the missiles hit their mark. But the size of the explosion doesn't seem to indicate that any explosives aboard the unidentified craft are involved.

ACE: That's right, Dan. We'll get down as quickly as we can for a look at the debris.

DAN: Thank you, Ace. That's Ace Hovermore, reporting from the scene of the dramatic shoot-down of an unidentified aircraft as it threatened our nation's Capital. We will return with more following this message.

DATELINE: 24 DEC 01, 2328 HRS EDT
DAN: We're back with continuing coverage of the attempted air attack on Washington by an unidentified aircraft. The craft has been shot down by F-16 fighters, and our Ace Hovermore is on the scene. Ace, what have you got?

ACE: Dan, amazingly, we've managed to get here before any government response units have arrived. The thing crashed practically right under us! As you can see, there's not much fire in the wreckage. Let's get some close-ups of some of the smaller debris here at the perimeter of the crash....

DAN: Ace, wasn't that a horn or an antler or something there?

ACE: It sure looks like it, Dan. And I think I see a couple of cloven hooves over there. But look! The whole place is scattered with toys! Oh ... here is the response crew in their hazmat suits. Excuse me, sir. Can you tell us....

FED: I'm sorry, you'll have to clear the area. We're treating this as a possible anthrax contamination zone. Whatever you do, don't touch any of those toys!

DAN: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The threat to Washington has been averted ... but who knows what biochemical devastation has begun to radiate from the crash site? And who was that bearded man with the turban? We go now to Mideast correspondent Harry Merkin. Harry, could that have been Osama bin Laden himself?

HARRY: That's entirely possible, Dan. There has been no sign of the terrorist leader for weeks now, here in the Tora Bora area. Many speculate that Osama bin Laden left the country in plenty of time to have been smuggled by his network into the U.S. or Canada. Intercepted radio transmissions from his remaining lieutenants have often contained a term that translates into "horny," a likely reference to the antler component of this latest assault on Washington. Back to you, Dan.

DAN: Harry Merkin, near Tora Bora in Afghanistan. Real answers may take days or weeks, as federal investigators comb the crash site. We will bring you developments as soon as they occur.

DATELINE: 25 DEC 01, 0807 HRS EDT – WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM
LARRY FEISCHER: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and Merry Christmas. I have some brief remarks, and then we'll take questions. The president has asked me to tell you that he and all the rest of our leaders in Washington are safe and sound today as the direct result of the quick and professional action taken by our brave F-16 pilots. Early information from the crash site is that at least part of the payload appears to have been venison. Now, we know deer often carry anthrax, so it may have been the terrorists' intention for projectiles such as antlers, hooves, and toys to cause lacerations on the skin of victims at the target area, infecting them with anthrax from contaminated meat and blood. The pilot remains unidentified. Crews continue to investigate, and the crash site remains quarantined until we can decontaminate the area. Now, I'll take a few questions....

REPORTER 1: Larry, we have reports coming in from all over the Eastern Seaboard that children have not received their expected Christmas gifts. Many parents are accusing the Air Force of having shot down Santa Claus and his reindeer! Could this be the case?

LARRY: [laughing] I think we can dismiss any allegations regarding an involvement by "Santa Claus" as greatly exaggerated. Next?

REPORTER 2: Larry, our research may confirm the Santa theory. Children all over the West and Midwest report a completely normal arrival of toys, but deliveries appear to have stopped just west of Washington. This hardly seems to be a coincidence!

LARRY: Really, now [giggling perhaps nervously] – let's move on to some serious questions! I really don't think....

REPORTER 3: Larry, our studios received a telephone call from a Mrs. Claus at the North Pole, and our watts line caller ID confirms her telephone listing. She says her husband failed to return this morning, and that U.S. government officials are refusing to talk to her. Surely there has been a horrible mistake here! It sure looks like missiles from our F-16s have taken out Santa's sleigh!

LARRY: I can tell you categorically that we have no evidence – I repeat, NO evidence – that the pilots of those fighters actually fired. They were successful in forcing the attacker down before he could reach his target, but the cause of the crash remains a mystery.

DAN: But Larry, millions of Americans watched along with me as the F-16s fired. Surely you're not denying that!

LARRY: [condescendingly] Dan, Dan, Dan.... Look, we had hundreds of "eye witnesses" who claimed to see a missle take out TWA Flight 800, too. Just mass hysteria, as we all now know. The federal government no longer takes such unreliable testimony seriously. Our expert forensic team has proved without any remaining doubt that TWA 800 experienced an explosion in its central fuel tank due to causes that are perfectly mysterious. We'll take solid analysis like that over hysterical rantings from "witnesses" any day!

REPORTER 4: But Larry ... SANTA??

LARRY: All right, I didn't want to bring this up, but we have reason to believe that "Santa" is just a code name for a terrorist organization – not any actual person. Attorney General Crashoft has had a watch on these fanatics for a long time now. They are Satanists (note the acronym: "Santa" equals "Satan") who plot to lure us away from our Christian heritage into crass commercialism and pagan rituals, while planting millions of "sleeper bombs" disguised as toys in households all across America. It's our number one intelligence target, with potential links to Al Qaeda. Look, I see we're out of time. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

DATELINE: 26 DEC 01, 1202 HRS EDT
DAN: Our top story today.... Government investigators determined with certainty this morning that yesterday's terrorist assault on Washington was carried out in a prototype hybrid aircraft of Iraqi design, fueling demands for a final housecleaning mission to deal once and for all with Saddam Hussein. Worries about anthrax in the payload were verified by pathologists, and the quarantine of the crash site today became a sterilization and permanent containment operation. Bulldozers have scoured out a huge pit and pushed all the wreckage and debris from the crash inside. At 11:37 EDT, military aircraft dropped napalm onto the rubble with pinpoint accuracy. The fire is expected to burn for a few hours, destroying anthrax spores before they can be carried away by wind or seep with rain runoff into the water table. By midnight, authorities say, the pit will be buried and the public safety assured.

In related news, Helga Gretel Claus was apprehended yesterday on charges of threatening government officials. Attorneys for Ms. Claus say she was only threatening legal action in the death of her husband, one Santa Yul Claus. Prosecutors dismiss this as a smokescreen, pointing to her gang of some twenty men, averaging three feet in height, who are all known to have possessed some of today's most popular weapons of terrorist activity, such as screwdrivers, hammers, chisels, and rattail files. The raid on the North Pole Claus Compound by Special Forces and Home Security teams met little resistance, though the cultists were heavily armed with deadly "G.I. Jim" assault weapons. Concerned for the safety of the prisoners, given a possible Christian backlash against the alleged Satanic involvement of the group, federal authorities have flown the defendants to an undisclosed foreign location where they can get a fair trial under the protection of a military tribunal.

And that's the news for December 26, 2001. Goodnight, and Happy New Year!

As published at LewRockwell.com on December 21, 2001

Kent Van Cleave [send him mail] is a philosopher studying and teaching at Indiana University, Bloomington. By night, he's the radical libertarian activist founder of VoteBuddy.com and the new satire site http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.